Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
