the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
