It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize