he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
