I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
