I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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