this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
