i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
