We're facebook friends in real life
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
