Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize