I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
