So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
