how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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