my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
