Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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