i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
