I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
