If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
