You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
