I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
