It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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