I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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