I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
