Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize