I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
