i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
