in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
