Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize