I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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