I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
