The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
