i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
