my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize