I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
