The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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