I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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