All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
