I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
