I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
