I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
