i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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