It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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