I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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