hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
