Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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