I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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