I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
