I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
