I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
