Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
