dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
