forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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