well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
