it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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