I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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