Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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