Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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