the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
