You're so nebulous sometimes
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
