My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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