If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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