So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
